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Daughter:  Hey dad, can I get a new phone?
Dad:  What's the magic word?
Daughter:  Irene
Dad:  Irene?
Daughter:  Yeah, you know like the name of the girl you are having an affair with.
Dad:  So did you say you wanted an iPhone or Android?

ink-and-roses:

ahumblebard:

doxian:

I want a movie about a little girl, aged like 11-12, going through the struggles of prepubescent girl life, with her entire inner monologue is narrated by Samuel L. Jackson.

Shot of disgruntled adorable little girl.

SLJ: I knew that Susie was a backstabbin’ motherfucker, and if anyone was going to ruin my chances of being Miss Sugar Drop Queen, it was that asshole. 

I didn’t know I needed this in my life until now.

This is never not funny

dystopiamachine:

dietnutella:

nohomocide:

accent marks and italics can make any word look beautiful

bonèr

Chlàmydîa

gęńìtãl thüñdērštørm